This is a book I often recommend to others. These are my personal notes from the book. Notes are not direct quotes, but also paraphrases and added commentary from me. A * designates a note-worthy point. If any of these notes spark interest or curiosity, lean in and learn more. As always, reading the book for yourself is suggested.
Why we fight
2 kinds of fights – solvable and perpetual
Textbook fight
Don’t be afraid of anger and conflict
Conflict can be the road to understanding
3 main conflict styles— avoiding, validating, and volatile
Conflict avoidant couples: 2 kinds— 1. rarely talks about points of disagreement, makes them uncomfortable, division in their lives, more defined roles. Lead stable lives but lonely and isolated, low risk takers, content. 2. interested in one another, Listens to one another and then moves on, happiest couples, live with their differences. Watch out for emotional drift and distance, too focused on the positives that issues aren’t addressed.
Validating couples: calmer in conflict but aren’t content to agree to disagree. Deal with escalation by taking breaks. Teammates not rivals. Can get focused on logistics and lose track of positivity. Watch out for rising negativity, overly focused on solution and not connection.
Volatile couples: no problem expressing emotions, plenty of overlap in roles and responsibilities, build up of aggression, can lose humor and positivity , fights can get out of control. Watch out for going dark, sarcastic, or critical.
Any of the 3 couples can be masters.
Masters use a 5 to 1 magic ratio (+ to – interactions)
Outside of conflict the ratio can swell to 20 to 1.
Couples that failed to meet the 5 to 1 consistently did not make it in the long term.
Listening is critical.
* Add positivity to your fights: apology, smile, nod, validation, empathy, soft touch, owning your part, laughter, appropriate joke, agreeing, etc
Negativity packs a big punch.
Check in with yourself.
2 kinds of conflict styles that are not healthy— hostile and hostile detached.
Hostile couples: neutral, highly defensive, contemptful, not curious, don’t listen or problem solve. Use the 4 horsemen.
Hostile detached couples: don’t even have conflict as a bridge, are at war. Deep divide between them.
Meta emotion mismatches— how you express emotions, deal with your emotions and think others should deal with theirs is different than your partners.
Mismatches aren’t dealbreakers.
Avoidant validator:
Validator volatile:
Volatile avoidant:
The stages of a fight—
1 Agenda building
2 Persuasion
3 Compromise
Our fighting differs in the persuasion stage
Avoiders don’t want to persuade.
Validators will lay out the issues first but move too quickly to persuasion.
Volatiles want immediate engagement and debate from partner
The number one thing couples fight about is nothing. Which means that just about anything can spur conflict.
Our conflicts can go way below the surface and often we’re fighting about values, unrecognized needs, or hidden dreams.
One major reason couples get into conflict is failed Bids for connection.
A bid for connection is anything to try to get the other person’s attention and connection. It can be positive or negative.
You can turn towards your partner, turn away from your partner, or even turn against them.
Do you have a pattern of turning toward your partner when they give a bid for connection?
Bids for connection were one of the biggest predictors of the future health of a relationship.
Happy couples turned toward their partners a lot.
Any fight can turn into a nasty one when partners are disconnected. We are more likely to misinterpret each other, assume the worse, have a negative lens, or use the four Horsemen.
The emotion bank account: Bids for connection that are turned toward become money in the bank for a relationship.
Dual income couples with children spoke to each other, one on one, for an average of only 35 minutes per week.
We have got to be intentional about turning towards one another.
Fleeting opportunities for connection that are sprinkled throughout every day have enormous power to affect the future unfolding of our relationship.
Not only does it keep us connected, but it builds trust. And in conflict, we are always asking, can I trust you?
You and your partners availability will be mismatched 75% of the time. So if you’re leaving it to chance and not intentionally turning toward each other, the odds of your magically finding each other in a moment of openness and availability at the same time are pretty darn slim.
Solvable vs perpetual problems—
70% of problems are perpetual, meaning they aren’t going anywhere, they are never really solved. You have to learn how to manage them in your relationship.
If perpetual: what do you think the underlying issue or issues might be?
One of the biggest misconceptions about conflict is the belief that all conflicts should be resolved. Most of your conflicts will never be fully resolved and that’s OK.
The common denominator in fights that go wrong—
dismissing our partners negative emotions.
Our reaction to strong emotions directed at us is often to minimize, invalidate, and dismiss.
If we don’t have the ability to listen to our partners emotions without defensiveness, the fight is going to escalate no matter if the problem is solvable or not.
When negative emotions aren’t listened to, they intensify because we can’t get our partners attention. So we escalate. We get flooded. the four Horsemen appear. We end up in conflict that is difficult to repair and heal from.
Causes of escalation—
Negative emotions being expressed,
a partner responds by minimizing or dismissing,
an emotion intensifies,
flooding happens,
the four Horsemen enter into the convo.
When escalation occurs, damage is done.
Gridlock—
When you are deeply entrenched in your positions and can’t seem to make any progress towards compromise or resolution.
You feel like you can’t compromise.
You become very polarized , feeling rejected and disconnected.
In gridlock, we become completely shut down to one another.
There’s no listening, no opening up to each other, no collaborating and no understanding.
We become worn down by the repetitive conflict. Almost all gridlocked conflict is actually about unfulfilled dreams.
Even the most entrenched gridlock can be overcome.
But we have to be able to explore the deeper issues coursing under the surface of that gridlocked fight.
We have to be able to share these very personal life dreams with one another.
Deal breakers—
Abuse: situational or characterological, 80% is situational. No effective treatment for characterological (pit bulls and cobras)
Refusal to seek help for addiction: most think it’s not needed
Differences in having children
10 myths about conflict—
1-The Bomb Drop
Mistake- starting off wrong (harsh startup)
Solution- soft startup
96% of the time, how the fight went over the course of the first three minutes determined not only the fights trajectory but how the rest of the relationship would go six years down the line.
* If you start negative, it’s really hard to turn it around.
The ripple effects of a harsh start up don’t stop when this particular fight does, they extend far into the future.
Bomb drops: out of nowhere, out of context, surprising, an aggressive stance at the start, gloves on to fight.
The harsh start up is a very common problem.
Harsh startups tend to share a couple of key traits: beginning with criticism, describing the other person instead of ourselves, piling other resentments we’ve been hoarding- the kitchen sink approach.
What distinguishes criticism from a productive complaint is that it takes the form of an attack on your partners core character or personality.
Criticism is always destructive.
We tend to start conversations about things that are bothering us from a baseline assumption of everything I’m doing makes sense and everything you’re doing is wrong.
We feel justified in our anger.
Kitchen sinking never leads to effective conflict resolution. It’s too overwhelming. Don’t store up complaints and resentments. Tackle them as they arise.
Harsh startups are common due to: stress, resentment, turning away, we don’t know any better.
* It’s hard to respond to a harsh start up any other way, but defensively.
From a position of attack defend, there’s no communication, no connection, no understanding, and no forward motion. And usually no positivity. Successful negotiators bring up an issue in a very specific way: without blame, without criticism and without contempt.
Talk about yourself and your own feelings, describe the problem or situation factually and neutrally without assigning blame. And state what is needed and positive terms.
I feel __. The problem is __. I need __.
* The listener needs to: listen closely without bringing in their own perspective, ask clarifying or open ended questions to understand better, summarize the problem, and offer some words of validation.
We tend to make the mistake of rushing to persuasion before we fully understood the problem.
At this stage, the only goal is understanding. There is power in postponing persuasion.
If you feel defensive listening, rather than going on the defense, say: I’m feeling defensive. Can you say that another way?
A soft startup: I feel __ about __ and I need __.
Always focus on the one situation at hand.
Start with kindness even when you’re upset.
2-The Flood
Mistake- attacking, defending, withdrawing
Solution- understand flooding, pause/solve the moment, express needs, repair
When you are flooded, you are incapable of fighting right. We lose the capacity to process information. There is no listening, no learning, no capacity to explore the underlying causes.
Masters fight just as much as any couple out there, but they also understand how to make repairs along the way.
Ask yourself: am I flooded and is my partner flooded? If so, stop.
Learn to identify the signs that you’re getting flooded so you can act early. This is the most important lesson about flooding.
-Signs of flooding: shortness of breath, gritted teeth, heat, gut feeling, muscles tighten, heart races, stomach queasy, mind spinning.
-Guidelines for a break:
Do communicate that you need it.
Do get out of visual range.
Do something soothing that takes your mind off the fight.
Do come back.
Don’t start a sentence with you.
Don’t try to get in the last word before you take a break.
Don’t leave your partner hanging.
Don’t plan out arguments and rebuttals during your break.
During a fight, you don’t have to solve the whole conflict. You shouldn’t try. Instead, learn to solve the moment.
Our conflicts when it comes to what they are really about tend to be perpetual.
Your job is simply to focus on making this interaction a positive one.
-Goals for a fight:
The goal is not to win.
The goal is not to persuade your partner.
The goal is not to come up with a solution to the problem.
The goal is not even to find a compromise (at first).
The goal is to fight with more positivity than negativity.
-Guidelines that will naturally carry your fight into positive territory:
Self soothe yourself when you become flooded.
Talk about yourself and your needs. Not your partner.
Accept and make repair attempts.
Small repairs prevent major damage.
A repair can really be anything that shifts the conversation toward the positive.
Repairs can be a straightforward apology, empathy, validation, admiration, something goofy, or a nice gesture.
What determines the success or failure of a repair attempt is how your partner receives and responds to it.
Friendship and connection correspond to a successful repair.
Repair is about meeting each other in the moment.
For that to happen what both partners need is the kind of knowledge about each other that only comes from daily routine turning towards one another.
* If you and your partner have been suffering from escalation and conflict, if every fight turns into attack and defend, and repair attempts do not get through, then look at the flow of your days outside of conflict. Can you find more time to sit and catch up with one another? Can you accept your partners bids for connection?
Sometimes bids for connection come out sideways, especially when we’re feeling disconnected or neglected.
Try to determine what your partner is saying at their core, a comment that sounds hurtful or critical may actually be a bid for connection.
We can disagree and still be on each others side.
Your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to turn attack and defend into self disclosure and openness.
When you feel like a conversation is getting off track and not feeling good, take a look at the repair checklist (page 187-188) and find a phrase that fits what you’re needing in the moment.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with pulling out the repair checklist, mid fight and reading directly from it.
What are your flooding triggers?
Is there anything your partner can do to help cool things down?
What are the most effective repairs that your partner has made in the past?
3- The Shallows
Mistake- skimming the surface
Solution- slow down and go deeper, listen to and communicate your dreams
When couples get stuck in cyclical, gridlocked conflict, where there is no progress, it’s generally a sign that instead of moving on from it, they actually need to pause, slow down and go deeper.
When we fight, we often try to fix a problem before we understand it. We push towards a solution or resolution before we’ve actually understood our partners and what’s beneath it.
It’s not always easy to see the real cause of conflict.
People could get gridlocked over anything at all.
* The majority of our conflicts are perpetual, we will have to manage them over the course of our lives and they never be solved once and for all.
What’s the difference between managing perpetual conflict and gridlock? It feels very different.
Learn how to dialogue calmly and constructively with one another when your differences come up.
Gridlock is different, gridlock feels bad.
-Gridlock:
Your conflict over the topic leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
You talk and talk about this issue and make zero progress, there’s no movement at all towards a solution or compromise.
Every time you discuss this issue, you feel worse afterwards.
They cause hurt and emotional damage to both of you.
Negative sentiment override: a negative perspective of your partner.
When we get caught in gridlock, it’s hard to stay out of the negative perspective.
Gridlock is a big sign you need to go deeper.
Figure out what you’re really fighting about before you try to proceed.
-Signs you need to slow your fight down:
Something seems minor or trivial.
You have arrived at a compromise but then it gets undermined and you can’t stick to it.
The same topic keeps popping up in other fights or conversations.
You avoid a particular topic like the plague.
Your partner has a surprising outsized seeming reaction and takes you off guard.
Couples in gridlock usually have an underlying dream lurking underneath the discussion that hadn’t been unearthed or clearly articulated.
Use the Dreamcatcher magic questions.
You can’t solve anything until you understand your partners approach to this issue on a deeper level.
Your goal is to find out everything you can about your partner and this issue- why it’s so important to them, where their stance on this comes from, how their personal history interacts with their position on this.
The worst complex can be the greatest opportunities for intimacy.
Make space for dreams to surface.
We aren’t always aware of our dreams and needs.
We often don’t spend enough time reflecting on who we are or on why we are the way we are.
-Things that can trigger connections and revelations:
Looking through old photos or journals.
Thinking about the nature of your past romantic partnerships.
Reflecting on your relationship with your parents or siblings.
Thinking about your early relationships with peers or school experiences.
Looking for multi generational patterns within your family.
Getting close to your dreams will help you in conflict.
-Troubleshooting the dreams conversation:
page 221 tips for conflict avoiders, validator, and volatiles.
Understanding the issue at a deeper level makes compromise so much easier and more successful.
* Understanding must proceed resolution.
4-The Standoff
Mistake- competing to win
Solution- accept influence, compromise
In our minds, we are logical, neutral, and correct. Our partners just need to be convinced to see the light. Why would we compromise when their position is so clearly incorrect or impossible?
* We want to allow our partners to influence us both in and out of conflict.
The more you allow yourself to be influenced by your partner, the more capacity you will have to influence them.
Accepting influence does not mean simply collapsing into whatever your partner wants. It means being open to your partners ideas and being willing to change your perspective as you learn more about how they feel and why.
Men tend to struggle more with accepting influence women.
When you can’t be moved or influenced, you lose all power in the relationship.
If you’re someone who always says no to whatever your partner wants or proposes, you become an obstacle. They will find a way around you.
-Consider these questions:
Are you interested in getting your partners opinion on an issue?
Do you listen with curiosity?
Do you think your partner has a lot of basic common sense?
Do you learn things from your partner?
Are you willing to try things your partners way?
Do you want your partner to feel influential and respected?
-The bagel method for compromise
2 circles: inflexible and flexible areas
When all the flexing in the world isn’t going to accommodate both dreams, there’s not much you can do.
Compromise shouldn’t feel like a loss of self, but they will not always be easy.
The right choice may be to move on so that both parties can have the chance at a partnership where their dreams can be honored and accommodated.
Success is not always forever.
You can honor each other and what the relationship was even as you realize that your paths must diverge.
Instead of thinking, what’s best for me in the situation, try thinking, what’s best for us?
Trust is where your capacity to compromise successfully comes from.
You can work on rebuilding trust and commitment from any point.
5- The Chasm in the Room
Mistake- stewing about the fight, trying to just move on
Solution- process fights, repair
* 77 to 84% of couples reported failing to repair after a fight.
Mistake: trying to just move on.
Conflict is a normal unavoidable and often positive part of life and love. Conflict can also be intense and even traumatic.
Where we really go wrong: not processing.
* We apologize too fast, we sweep it under the rug, we keep it to ourselves,… Or you try to talk about the fight but you just get right back into it.
One regrettable incident becomes yet another regrettable incident.
Overtime, fights that go unprocessed force a wedge between the two of you either in the form of more conflict or in the form of less connection and avoidance.
* The emotional wounds we end up with after a fight do not heal on their own.
When we have unfinished business with each other, we haven’t resolved a painful issue, there are feelings we haven’t been able to express, when hurtful things were said that haven’t been addressed, we retain a blazingly clear memory of that fight. That fight is as vivid and sharp as if it happened yesterday.
Fights that get stored in long-term memory often contain traumatic incidents and traumatic memory is powerful.
Your body responds accordingly. As far as your body is concerned that original fight is happening again.
Unless you fully process something, especially emotionally, it all stays in your memory. but that memory starts to get distorted.
Every time we access those memories, they change. They get edited.
* The way we remember things happening, becomes more and more biased toward ourselves, meaning the more we relive and ruminate, the more our memory of that event may morph.
There is no immaculate perception, no God camera looking down and recording what really happened, that you can check with to see who’s right and who’s wrong.
* When it comes to the facts about what happened, there are no facts.
There is only what we experience.
A bad fight you don’t process will be like a pebble in your shoe, you can’t just keep walking with it in there, limping along, and in pain. You have to stop sit down and take it out.
-Signs you need to process something:
Talking about it leads to more conflict.
You’re fighting about the fight.
You’re avoiding the topic entirely and talking and connecting less in general.
You’re fighting more about seemingly unrelated stuff.
Big reactions that appear to come out of nowhere.
Processing means being able to talk about what happened without getting back into the conflict.
Triggers are a huge part of why conflict start and why they escalate.
We all come into adulthood with baggage.
We filter everything through our own perceptions, emotions, assumptions, interpretations, and extrapolations.
It’s critically important to talk about our own perceptions and experiences using “I” descriptions.
We don’t assign blame, assume intent, or tell our partners what they did or said.
-Try phrases like: I imagine, I assumed, it seemed to me, I saw, I remember, I heard you say.
We’ve shared our experiences with each other, we need to validate each other. We need to say to each other that that makes sense. I get it. You don’t have to agree with it. Validation simply means that you understand a part of your partners experience.
Triggers need to be addressed. Go back and figure out what this fight in the present moment was dredging up from your past. When else have you felt that way?
Apologize in the right way. An apology needs to come after everything else. We really need to understand each other‘s experience and the impact we’ve had on each other before we can say I’m sorry and haven’t mean anything. What do you regret about the incident?
Then you move forward after conflict. Share one thing you and your partner can do next time to make it better.
This is a five step process.
-5 steps:
Share your feelings.
Describe your reality.
Share your triggers of the past.
Acknowledge your role, take responsibility.
Constructively plan together for the next time.
Cooling off first is critical. Sometimes going to bed angry is exactly what you need to do to calm down and get that necessary distance from the fight.
-10 common pitfalls:
Don’t try to have this conversation too soon. You need to be able to zoom out, be calm and review the fight from a distance.
Go step-by-step.
Remember that there are two realities.
Don’t misunderstand what a trigger is.
Remember that you must do these steps without criticism or blame.
if the apology still doesn’t land, ask, what else do you need to hear in order to accept it.
No piling on of other things, no kitchen sinking. You cannot process these all at once.
If it’s not enough, there may be other work to be done. There may be attachment injuries, trust issues, or something else.
When it’s something really big ask for help.
Stay focused on the goal.
We are going to have the same fights perpetually over and over again.
When you’re upset about something, describe yourself.
Explain your positive need.
Launching an attack will never yield a good response. Only defensiveness.
Talk about your dreams and theirs.
Compromise without giving up too much.
Process past regrettable incidents.
Fight Right Quick Guide pages 308-328
Kristi Schwegman is a psychotherapist specializing in helping couples develop healthy relationships, whether dating, engaged, or married. She also draws from her Christian-based approach to lead individuals in becoming aware of the limiting beliefs that can get them stuck.
We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!
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