What Are You Looking At?

Discovery – 

You thought she was asleep as you doom scrolled image after image after image. But then your heart leapt into your throat when you heard her say, “What are you looking at?” Or maybe you hopped on his computer to find that old picture of his grandmother for the collage you wanted to make. Instead you stumbled upon a treasure trove of porn images and videos on an external drive. Rather yet you saw an odd charge on the credit card statement. At first you thought it was fraud but upon a little investigation it seems these were charges made to a paid interactive porn service!

Suddenly your relationship has reached an inflection point neither of you were prepared for – porn addiction. Both of you are immediately overwhelmed with a wave of emotions. Guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, betrayal, disgust, embarrassment, sadness, inadequacy, and more. You may get quiet. You may have an argument. You don’t know what… to… do… In this moment of discovery you both will likely ask the questions, “What does this mean for us?” and “Where do we go from here?”

The porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry, and since the advent of the internet, is nearly impossible to avoid. As a result, the number of susceptible people who’ve found themselves addicted to this content has skyrocketed. For those who slip down the path of compulsive consumption it can have devastating effects on their relationships, finances, job performance, mental health, and more. While this inevitable moment of discovery can feel overwhelming, it also provides an opportunity for healing, growth, and the possibility of healthier newfound love between the two of you if you both have the courage to embark on this journey.

What Does This Mean for Us?

Users and Their Partners – 

For the purposes of this article we’ll refer to the person involved in the porn consumption as the “user” and the significant other in their relationship as the “partner”. Simply put porn addiction can have a devastating effect on your relationship. Among the many significant impacts are:

• Loss of Trust
• Loss of Intimacy
• Decreased Sexual Frequency and Satisfaction
• Feelings of Inadequacy
  

“You’re keeping secrets from me!” – Porn addiction is based in secrecy and secrets are like Kryptonite for a relationship. If you’re keeping this secret from your partner in many ways this constitutes a form of betrayal not unlike infidelity. At the point of discovery your bond of trust has been broken. Honesty and trust form a symbiotic relationship so where one is absent so too is the other. Inevitably this can lead to a myriad of questions from the partner as they will often be suspicious of other hidden behaviors (an affair, drug, alcohol, or gambling addictions, etc.)

“If you’re not having sex with me then who are you having sex with?”  – For the user porn addiction, especially if they are masturbating to it, will lead to a decreased desire to have sex with their partner. The porn stars themselves often have supermodel bodies which few women can approximate. If the standard for the users’ sexual desire is set to this porn star bar they’ll inevitably find their own partner less attractive.

A vicious cycle ensues wherein sex becomes infrequent, dissatisfactory, or non-existent. A sexless marriage devoid of intimacy will more resemble a relationship between roommates rather than soulmates. 

“My boyfriend only gets off to porn stars. I can’t compete.” – For partners their discovery of this porn addiction often leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Ours is a society that already sets unreasonable standards for beauty on women manifesting itself in everything from eating disorders to body shaming to depression and more. Women often walk a fine line balancing their self confidence against an onslaught of media images of perfection. Partners of porn addicted users may often compare their own bodies to that of the porn stars and draw the logical conclusion that their husband is not attracted to them. Therefore they are ugly, worthless, … useless.  This objectification of women in a similar way lowers the self esteem of the user but moreover it can internalize invalid and harmful beliefs, increase the likelihood of sexual violence, and lower empathy. If you can’t see women on equal terms you can’t have a relationship with one on equal terms.

Researchers have sought – and frequently found – evidence that pornography use is related to relationship dysfunction. Examples include studies that have found that pornography use is associated with decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction, particularly among men (Wright et al., 2017), impaired love for, and attraction to one’s relationship partner (Weaver et al., 1984; Zillmann and Bryant, 1988; Kenrick et al., 1989), reduced relationship commitment (Lambert et al., 2012), increased extra-dyadic sexual behavior (Yucel and Gassanov, 2010; Maddox et al., 2011; Lambert et al., 2012), and relationship dissolution (Perry and Davis, 2017; Perry and Schleifer, 2018).

Where Do We Go From Here?

First things first! In that moment of discovery we talked about earlier, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a step back. You both know what has happened and with so many emotions at play the words that may come next may not be the ones you hoped to use. Give yourselves a moment to breathe. Acknowledge to yourselves what has just happened. “She saw me looking at porn.”, “I found him looking at porn.” Letting that sink in for a moment can help both of you from slipping into denial. Denial is a normal human self defense mechanism to protect ourselves in the face of some adversity. It may feel easier to say, “It’s not what I thought I saw.” or “Honey, it’s not what you think.” Those statements can buy you time, but they are not the truth and as such ultimately will not serve either of you well. What to do? Rather than bury it, table it instead. “Honey, I know what just happened. I need a little bit of time before I can talk about it.” This acknowledgment of the facts can be the best thing you can do in this moment. 

Choose a time to revisit this. It can be as soon as 15 minutes later or as late as tomorrow but likely should not be more than 24 hours after the discovery. Once you’ve been able to come back to this it will be time to consider some professional help to gain a better understanding, develop skills to manage it, and leverage this as an opportunity towards a better future relationship together.

How Can Couples Therapy Help?

Rebuilding Trust

While the discovery of the porn addiction may have shaken your relationship to its core, when you’re ready, couples therapy can help you find a new footing. If you’re both willing to put in the work, it is quite possible to find a love that is stronger and far superior to the love you thought you had before. 

Trust is rebuilt through repeated and consistent episodes of honesty and transparency. Evidencing honesty consistently over time will build confidence and faith in your newfound relationship. Having some managed conversations in couples therapy can help to break through your barriers and foster an environment of trust. 

Here are a few exercises I use with the couples I work with who are dealing with porn addiction. Within the confines of the safe environment provided by therapy they can be an effective means of rebuilding trust.

Story Telling

“It’s Your Story to Tell” – In this exercise the User and the Partner have the floor for approximately 15 minutes to tell their story to their partner with 100% truth and honesty.  However, before the User can tell their story to anyone, they have to tell it to themselves. Consider as far and as much as you can understand about this issue. Only focus on the Who, What, When, and Where questions. (Why is a rabbit hole that may not prove helpful.)  Then tell your story of porn addiction to yourself from beginning to end. You can practice in a mirror, write it out, type it up…any way that gets it out of your head and into the real world.

At the same time the Partner should prepare their own story. Consider when did you first have some suspicions, when did you first find out, how the discovery made you feel, what does porn mean to you, what are your best hopes for what can happen from here. 

Having done this preparation the couple take turns telling their story to the other in the session. While one is telling their story the other’s job is to listen and not interrupt the storyteller in any way. It’s not easy at all but in order for the User to be transparent they’ll need your partnership here. At the end of each story the listener’s job is to tell the storyteller that they’ve heard them and that they accept their truth. Nothing more and nothing less.

FAQs

“I Have Questions” – One exercise I use in couples therapy is a Q & A session. Here the Partner can ask the User any questions they have in mind about the porn addiction. The User’s job is to stay present in the moment, take a breath, and answer each question with 100% truth – even if that truth is painful. This is also an opportunity to correct a false answer given earlier with the honest one. The Partner’s job is to keep the questions simple and direct. In this manner we create a platform where honesty can be fostered. Within the safe environment of the therapeutic experience the opportunity for the couple to better understand each other through these questions and answers can provide a steppingstone toward a brighter future.

Get Naked

“Full Disclosure” – You’ve seen more than your share of naked women. Now it’s your turn to get naked – figuratively. Transparency is the cornerstone of honesty and a huge building block in a couple’s confidence and trust. Similar in many ways to overcoming infidelity removing any elements of secrecy will go a long way towards restoring trust. The Partner will typically want to know all of the places where you consume or store pornography. It’s a fair defense mechanism for the User to want to deny these requests. However, doing so will only damage the situation more and likely put the prospects of trust in the future off the table. 

Instead of withholding, proactively offering this information first can pay large dividends in recovering your relationship. By sharing all of your accounts, passwords, etc. you’ll be demonstrating a commitment to openness and letting your partner know that you have nothing left to hide. Do it immediately without deleting anything. You’re on a new path now so anything you attempt to obscure will ultimately work against the both of you. Allow yourself to experience the liberation that comes from releasing this overwhelming burden of secrets. Acknowledge who you were and begin to embrace the new version of yourself that you are becoming. The truth is your ally in this process.

How Can Individual Therapy Help?

You Can Beat This

In the moment of discovery of your porn addiction you’ll likely run through a myriad of emotions and rationalization. Everything from denial and minimization, to anger, rationalization, depression and more as you come to terms with the reality of your situation. Once you’re at a point of acceptance you’ll be ready to seek out some professional help. Keep in mind you are not alone. There are literally millions of others just like you. And the good news is: You. Can. Beat. This.

Surfing The Urge

Porn addiction like many other compulsions including eating disorders and self-harm begins in the form of an urge. For many their insight into these urges is minimal or non-existent. They feel an itch and so they scratch it. Later they may feel guilty about the act. These guilty feelings ultimately manifest themselves in another urge and thus the vicious cycle continues. 

However, there is a pathway out of this cycle. One skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that has proven particularly effective is known as ‘Surfing the Urge’. In your individual therapy, among other DBT skills, learning to Surf the Urge will arm you with techniques to anticipate and understand your thoughts and emotions before you engage in porn consumption. Once you’ve gained some recognition and understanding here you’ll be able to see the urge as transient, typically lasting no more than 30 minutes. You can learn to live with the urge and persevere through these episodes, essentially riding the wave until it breaks. 

It takes effort and practice but once you are able to start applying it in your day to day you’ll find your ability to manage these compulsive urges get stronger and stronger.

Can We Do Both Couples and Individual Therapy Simultaneously?

There are different schools of thought in the industry as to whether both individual and couples therapy can be done simultaneously. For some it is better to engage in individual therapy first. However, if only one partner is engaged in that it can leave the other on the sidelines with all of their emotions and concerns held in suspended animation. If both partners engage in individual therapy one may reach their individual goals earlier than the other once again leaving them on the sidelines waiting. 

For some couples engaging immediately in couples therapy, even if individual therapy is undetermined, is the right choice to help them move forward to a healthier future relationship together. 

If logistically you can manage it and both of you are committed to improving yourselves it is possible to do both. Talk about it with the therapist(s) that you are considering and you’ll be able to come to an informed decision.

Therapy That Works

It’s important to seek professional help as soon as you can. The longer porn addiction persists the harder it can be to break away from. However, it is important to select a therapist who has experience working with couples and porn addiction. Evidence-based therapy methodologies are guided by scientific evidence and research and provide the best treatment options for couples and individuals dealing with this. Three such therapy methodologies include Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

SFBTs focus on developing strengths, eliciting exceptions, and future directed approach to developing solutions lends itself well to porn addicted clients. Notably, one study found that SFBT led to positive increases in mental well-being and decreased depression in individuals with problematic pornography use. A critical factor in the success of SFBT is the ability to work together with the client to form well defined treatment goals as well as the criteria which would determine successful achievement of those goals. Developing and encouraging the clients sense of autonomy empowers them to gain mastery over the porn addiction. An emphasis on envisioning their lives after the problem of porn addiction had been resolved allows them to develop their own set of competencies and skills.

DBT is an evolution of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that has extensive emphasis on helping clients to manage intense emotions, learn ways of regulating them, and identifying and changing negative thought patterns. It is a comprehensive approach that can include a combination of individual therapy, family skills groups, phone coaching, and a DBT consultation team for the therapist. One skill of DBT, Mindfulness of Current Emotions, is an emotional regulation strategy that helps clients to observe and accept emotions without judgment. This ability to become more aware of and accepting of ones emotions can help Users struggling with compulsions like porn addiction learn to regulate and manage their urges, reducing the probability of resorting to pornography as a means of coping. 

ACT is another evolution of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and has been one of the most highly used therapy methodologies with porn addiction. ACT encourages clients to accept difficult thoughts and feelings head on. At the same time it encourages the client to commit to actions that align with their values. Rather than trying to control or suppress the difficult thoughts and feelings ACT encourages the client to accept them as a normal part of life. With a strong emphasis on mindfulness skills clients increase their awareness of their thoughts and feelings, stay present in the moment, and keep any judgments at bay.  Commitment encourages the clients to take tangible concrete steps toward their goals even during these emotionally challenging times.

If you are trying to come to terms with porn addiction, whether with your partner or on your own, don’t let this matter define you or your relationship. The team at Holistic Wellness Practice have experienced and skilled couples and individual therapists ready and able to help you navigate these waters to a happier and healthier future.

References

• Weaver J. B., Masland J. L., Zillmann D. (1984). Effect of erotica on young men’s aesthetic perception of their female sexual partners. Percept. Mot. Skills 58 929–930. 10.2466/pms.1984.58.3.929
• Kohut T, Dobson KA, Balzarini RN, Rogge RD, Shaw AM, McNulty JK, Russell VM, Fisher WA, Campbell L. But What’s Your Partner Up to? Associations Between Relationship Quality and Pornography Use Depend on Contextual Patterns of Use Within the Couple. Front Psychol. 2021 Jul 30;12:661347. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.661347. PMID: 34393898; PMCID: PMC8362880
• Zillmann D., Bryant J. (1988). Pornography’s impact on sexual satisfaction. J. Appl. Soc. Psychol. 18 438–453. 10.1111/j.1559-1816.1988.tb00027.
• Lambert N. M., Negash S., Stillman T. F., Olmstead S. B., Fincham F. D. (2012). A love that doesn’t last: pornography consumption and weakened commitment to one’s romantic partner. J. Soc. Clin. Psychol. 31 410–438. 10.1521/jscp.2012.31.4.410
• Perry S. L., Schleifer C. (2018). Till porn do us part? A longitudinal examination of pornography use and divorce. J. Sex Res. 55 284–296. 10.1080/00224499.2017.1317709
• Roza TH, Noronha LT, Shintani AO, Massuda R, Lobato MIR, Kessler FHP, Passos IC. Treatment Approaches for Problematic Pornography Use: A Systematic Review. Arch Sex Behav. 2024 Feb;53(2):645-672. doi: 10.1007/s10508-023-02699-z. Epub 2023 Oct 25. PMID: 37880509

Book Recommendations:

• Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity by Mark Chamberlain, PhD and Geoff Steurer MS, LFMT
• The Porn Solution: Relationship Repair After Pornography Betrayal by Sandra A. Shachar, PhD
• Porn Addict’s Wife: Surviving Betrayal and Taking Back Your Life by Sandy Brown