Oh no! They’re here!
The holidays can be tough. Short days, heavy feelings, and family gatherings can bring extra stress. You decide to get out of your feels and go to the New Year’s Eve party your friend begged you to come to. You find yourself getting more optimistic as you drive to the party and begin to consider the possibilities for happiness in the new year. You walk inside with a smile on your face when suddenly your heart sinks – your ex is also at this same party!
The smile fades, your heart races, your mind floods with memories, and you worry you’ll say or do something you will regret! Moments like these are challenging for everyone and even more so for those navigating depression, anxiety, addiction, and self-harm. They can leave you susceptible to falling back on old, unhealthy habits. These sudden, high-emotion moments are exactly what Cope Ahead is built for: a simple DBT skill that helps you plan, rehearse, and show up with intention instead of panic.
Moreover, Cope Ahead can be your go-to tool for all kinds of stressful or challenging situations. From job interviews, family gatherings, medical procedures or appointments, public speaking events, and even court dates and legal proceedings.
So What is Cope-Ahead and How Does It Help?
Cope Ahead is a DBT skill that teaches you to prepare and rehearse for emotionally difficult situations before they happen, so you don’t get blindsided. Instead of being surprised and reacting from panic or improvisation, you plan what you’ll say or do, practice it, and train your nervous system to stay grounded. The result: you enter the moment with intention rather than being hijacked by emotion.
Cope-Ahead Six Step Process
Following a simple six step process can put you in command of these situations:
- Identify the Situation
- Check the Facts
- Make a Plan
- Visualize the Situation
- Visualize Your Success
- Relax Your Body and Mind
Identifying the Situation
The first step involves identifying what the situation is that you want to prepare for. Take a moment and consider some potential scenarios that you would have an emotional reaction to. A situation where you might feel vulnerable, embarrassed, or anxious. It could be a situation that occurred in the past with results that you regret or something that you’ve never experienced yet. Consider some events that are coming up in your near-term future or something that’s been on your mind.
Write out the situation including anything that comes to your mind when you think about it. Be sure to include what emotions you might feel, or have felt in the past, and how strongly you felt them.
Check the Facts
Next we will engage in another DBT skill known as Check the Facts. Here we take the story that we wrote down when we identified the situation and investigate it for fallacies that trigger our emotions. Review the story you wrote and look for assumptions, threats, and catastrophes.
An assumption is something in our story that is some kind of unproven belief or interpretation we have that might be influenced by some past experience or emotion. It’s a belief but not necessarily true.
A threat is something that essentially scares us. Something in our story that we are worried will happen in or as a result of this situation we identified. It is something that is a tangible, negative result of the situation. You can often associate a threat with a response from your body – like increased heart rate, clenched fists, trouble breathing, etc.
Finally look for catastrophes. In essence consider the worst case scenario. What does your mind tell you is the worst possible outcome of this situation you identified. While unpleasant to think about when you can envision yourself surviving the worst possible outcome all other outcomes short of that become a lot more manageable!
Review your story and consider only the answers to who, what, when, and where. Now re-write that same story removing your assumptions, threats, catastrophes, and focusing only on the who, what, when, and where of the event. Now you have the factual story in front of you!
Make a Plan
With the revised, factual story at our disposal now it is time to make a plan. What would you like to do in the situation? What coping skills can you rely on to help you through it? If you’ve been through some DBT therapy you can consider skill you learned like STOP, DEAR MAN, PLEASE, and using your Wise Mind, etc. Deciding which skill makes the most sense for you with the situation you identified will prove tantamount to your success!
Even if you haven’t done DBT therapy before you can consider what coping skills you have learned, what has worked the best for you in the past, and what you feel confident may help you in this situation.
Write out your plan in detail, very specifically. By writing it out you’ll begin to create some “muscle memory” so you can respond skillfully when the situation arises.
Visualize the Situation
Now for the heart of the matter! Visualize the situation you identified. Close your eyes and imagine everything you can about the situation -as if it is happening right now! It’s very important to visualize it as happening right now, not in the past and not in the future.
What are all the things your five senses tell you as you visualize the situation? What do you see? What do you hear? What smells are in the air? What things do you taste in your mouth? Where is your body and what parts of it are touching other things? How do your clothes feel on your body? Are you hot, cold, or okay with the temperature of the room?
Now walk through the moment that you identified as your challenge in this scenario. See yourself saying the words you came up with when you Made a Plan. Visualize yourself following through on your plan not only with words but with actions as well.
Stay in this moment. This is your opportunity to use your Mindfulness skills to recognize that you can be there in this moment, co-exist with it, neither trying to beat it or fight it. Just living there along with it. You are teaching your brain that you can handle the situation. It will remember this.
Visualize Your Success
Having sat in the moment seeing yourself putting your plan into action now it’s time to visualize your plan working out exactly as you hoped it would. What does success look like to you? How do you see yourself when you’ve executed your plan exactly as you planned to?
You just did this! Are you feeling a sense of pride? A sense of relief? Confidence? See yourself at the end of your plan feeling that sense of accomplishment and everything that comes with it for you!
Relax Your Body and Mind
In this final step, after sitting with these visualizations and emotions, it’s time to slow down your body and your mind. You can use whatever helps you to calm yourself down best – paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, listening to music, doing some yoga, or going for a walk. Whatever helps you to settle.
This final step is crucial as it completes the circle for your mind and body. You will be teaching your mind that not only is the situation doable, but that you can be successful in it and remain yourself at the end.
Putting it All Together
Now let’s go back to the New Year’s Eve party encounter with your ex using the Cope Ahead skill:
- Identifying the Situation – You walk into your friend’s party and spot your ex across the room. Your heart races and you feel a lump in your throat. The story in your mind is that he’s already told his side of the story to everyone there, filling their heads with his rumors that they will take as truth. Everyone is talking about you behind your back, whispering to each other about how cruel a person you are. Your mind races and conjures up thoughts of being hated and ostracized by the group and worst yet – this reputation follows you everywhere such that you can’t escape it anywhere in your personal or even your professional life! Your eyes meet and he has that conceited, confident look as he approaches you saying, “Hi! I thought you might be here. How’s everything going?”
- Check the Facts – Pull out your assumptions, threats, and worst-case scenarios from your story. Here you identify these as assumptions of everyone talking about you behind your back, threats of being ostracized by your friends, and a worst-case scenario of this breakup and the associated rumors following you your entire life. None of these are factual. Just stories your mind is telling you. You strip those away and ask the who, what, when, and where of the situation. Who – You, your ex, and friends. What – Seeing your ex at a social event. When – Now, at this party. Where – At the party at your friend’s home. The new, factually rewritten story reads: I ran into my ex at a New Year’s eve party. We broke up not that long ago and we each have a story of how that happened. We both have friends at this party some of which are mutual friends.
- Make a Plan – If I run into my ex somewhere in the public world (a party, a food store, the post office) I’ll remind myself and STOP. I’ll stop and take a step back from the situation – emotionally if not physically as well. I’ll observe the situation for what it is and nothing more. Then I’ll proceed ahead. If he talks to me I’ll say, “Hi. I’m glad to be here. I’m going to catch up with some friends now.” And then move away from him finding some other friends to talk to.
- Visualize the Situation –See the room as you are entering it. Hear the music, feel your sweater on your shoulders, on your arms. Imagine smelling freshly baked cakes and pies. Picture entering the living room, the hum of conversation, the exact spot where your ex is standing, and the moment your eyes meet. Practice noticing the physical sensations (tight chest, quick breath) and then using your plan. See yourself saying the words you planned and doing the things you intended to do as well.
- Visualize Your Success – See yourself at the conclusion of you executing your plan to perfection. Notice your sense of pride as you say your words and move on to another friend. See yourself staying in the moment of conversation with your other friend. You’ve just navigated your worst fears with style and grace!
- Relax Your Mind and Body – After practicing all of this in your mind take some time to unwind and slow down. Paced breathing is a real asset here as well as progressive muscle relaxation. As your body calms down so does your heart rate, and your breathing. Your mind is now at peace.
Practice this several times. You can do it once a day for maybe 4 or 5 days. With each practice you’ll develop both a kind of muscle memory for your brain and your emotions. Consider variations and nuances of the scenario each time. Each successive practice will make you all the more prepared for whatever this life situation may throw your way.
You don’t have to be perfect in the moment. Cope Ahead gives you a map for the terrain that used to feel impossible. By naming the situation, Checking the Facts, making a short plan, and rehearsing both the scene and your success, you teach your nervous system a new story: you can handle this.
You’re not walking into that room defenseless. You’re walking in with a plan.
Therapy That Works
If you find yourself overwhelmed by your emotions and saying or doing some things that you regret, therapy is a great place to learn new ways of managing these feelings. Therapy can help you develop skills and even practice them in session so that they become easier in real life.
Evidence-based therapy methodologies are guided by scientific evidence and research and provide the best treatment options for individuals dealing with these issues. Three such therapy methodologies include Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
DBT is an evolution of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that has extensive emphasis on helping clients to manage intense emotions, learn ways of regulating them, and identifying and changing negative thought patterns. It is a comprehensive approach that can include a combination of individual therapy, family skills groups, phone coaching, and a DBT consultation team for the therapist. Cope Ahead is one of the Emotional Regulation skills of DBT. There are several other Emotional Regulation skills as well as Distress Tolerance, Interpersonal, and Mindfulness skills that can help you to gain insight and mastery of your emotions and actions in a variety of situations.
If you are trying to gain better understanding and gain mastery of your emotions and actions, make the move to get started with therapy. The team at Kellen Mental Health have experienced and skilled DBT therapists ready and able to help you navigate these waters to a happier and healthier future.
Book Recommendations:
- The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance by Matthew McKay PhD, Jeffery C. Wood PsyD, and Jeffrey Brantley MD
- DBT Skills Workbook for Parents of Teens – A Proven Strategy for Understanding and Parenting Adolescents Who Suffer from Intense Emotions, Anger, and Anxiety (Mental Health for Teenagers) by The Mentor Bucket
- The Mental Toughness Handbook: A Step-By-Step Guide to Facing Life’s Challenges, Managing Negative Emotions, and Overcoming Adversity with Courage and Poise by Damon Zahariades
References
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press
- Neacsiu, A. D., Rizvi, S. L., & Linehan, M. M. (2010). Dialectical behavior therapy skills use as a mediator and outcome of treatment for borderline personality disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(9), 832–838
- Linehan, M. M., Armstrong, H. E., Suarez, A., Allmon, D., & Heard, H. L. (1991). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of chronically suicidal borderline patients. Archives of General Psychiatry, 48(12), 1060-1064
