When one twin is a candidate for grade retention
Parenting is often called the toughest job you’ll ever have—and for good reason. The arrival of a new baby brings joy, excitement, and love, but also moments of frustration, self‑doubt, and the nagging fear that we’re “not doing enough.” When you’re raising twins, those emotions are magnified. Everything truly feels doubled: the fun, the challenges, and the decisions.
One of the less-discussed dilemmas in parenting twins is pedagogical decision-making—specifically, what happens when one twin is recommended for grade retention while the other is not.
Twins: Similar Yet Different
Although twins are often perceived as “a unit,” their personalities, strengths, and developmental timelines can be strikingly different. From infancy, one may be calm and curious while the other is restless and sensitive. As they grow, differences become more pronounced: one may potty train earlier, adapt easily to kindergarten, or thrive socially, while the other struggles with transitions, shyness, or academic readiness.
Society—and sometimes even family members—tends to view twins as inseparable and identical in progress. But in reality, twins can diverge significantly in cognitive abilities, emotional maturity, and academic success. This divergence raises a difficult question: What if one twin is not ready to advance to the next grade while the other clearly is?
Why Retention Is Such a Complex Decision
The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) has long debated the practice of grade retention. In their 2022 position statement, they note their reservations:
“Repeating a grade level… has limited empirical support. However, simply promoting students to the next grade when they have not mastered the curriculum is not an educationally sound alternative. The debate must be replaced with evidence-based practices that promote academic success for struggling students.” (NASP, 2022).
Retention requires weighing many factors:
• Short- and long-term academic outcomes
• Emotional well-being (self-esteem, confidence, resilience)
• Developmental maturity and social skills
• Diagnosed learning differences (ADHD, ASD, dyslexia, etc.)
• Existing supports (IEP, 504 plan, interventions)
• Peer relationships and social adjustment
When twins are involved, the decision becomes even more layered. Parents and educators must ask: Will separating them academically help or harm? How will the retained twin feel when graduation day arrives and their sibling moves forward without them?
Key Questions for Parents to Consider
• What specific struggles are prompting the retention recommendation?
• Has the child been formally diagnosed with a learning difference or neurodivergence?
• How is the child developing emotionally, socially, and academically compared to peers?
• What interventions have already been tried, and were they effective?
• How does the child interact with classmates—are they socially integrated or isolated?
• What do teachers, counselors, and specialists recommend based on their observations?
• What are the potential benefits and risks of retention in your child’s unique case?
Navigating the Decision
If the school suggests retention for one twin, here are steps to ground your decision-making:
• Pause and reflect. Remember that twins are two distinct individuals. Trust your instincts as parents—does the recommendation align with what you’ve observed?
• Engage with educators. Ask for data, assessments, and anecdotal feedback. Understand the reasoning behind the recommendation.
• Make a pros and cons list. Consider both immediate and long-term implications, including how you’ll explain the decision to your child later.
• Seek professional guidance. A child therapist or parent coach can help you anticipate emotional consequences and provide strategies for supporting both twins.• Advocate if needed. If you disagree with the school’s plan, consider consulting an educational advocate who understands your state’s policies and your child’s rights.
Closing Thoughts
Parenting twins means honoring two distinct journeys that unfold side by side. Grade retention is not a verdict on a child’s worth—it is a decision about timing, support, and readiness. When parents approach this crossroads with openness, compassion, and curiosity, they model resilience and self‑acceptance for both children.
Your twins don’t need identical paths to grow into confident, capable individuals. What they need most is you—attuned, thoughtful, and willing to advocate for each of them as the unique person they are. Sometimes, tough decisions will have to be made, and as DBT teaches us, it’s best to approach them from a state of “wise mind”.
Take time, reflect on it, consult with a specialist you trust (child therapist, educational advocate, parent coach, other parents who made similar choices). Gather data as much as possible.
It’s true, we will never know “for sure” until after the fact if “it was the right decision”, but at least you’ll know you did everything in your power to see your child’s needs and act in their best interest.
Resources:
“Causal Effects of Grade Retention on Behavioral Outcomes “, Paco Martorell ,Louis T. Mariano .
Journal of Research on Educational Effectiveness, Vol. 11, No. 2, 192–216; https://doi.org/10.1080/19345747.2017.1390024. Published online December 27, 2017.
“Grade Retention and Social Promotion”, NASP, 2022. http://www.nasponline.org/
