Clear boundaries throughout our lives are among the most potent navigational tools that define our relationships with others, ourselves, and our health. Our lives and social encounters become healthier and more balanced when clear boundaries exist. Knowing these limits for ourselves and enforcing them pave the way towards holistic wellness rather than allowing toxic habits or one-sided relationships to continue.
Physical boundaries (think mountains, rivers, borders, gates, etc.) limit or prohibit access from one place to another. Metaphorical and personal boundaries operate similarly. A person’s boundaries indicate what they need, what they are or are not comfortable with, and how they want to be treated. Boundaries are ways to articulate what it means to “cross the line” in each of our relationships and provide a warning that crossing these lines will have repercussions.
Boundaries in one way or another already exist for every person you come in contact with, be it friends, family, partners, children, employers, coworkers, or strangers. But setting healthy or clear boundaries is critical to managing your personal and professional life. Without these limits to help manage your time, self-talk, and relationships, you may experience lower levels of self-esteem, learned helplessness, or a fear of criticism, among other challenges that lead you to believe that it might be time for therapy.
In addition to personal boundaries, there are also physical, emotional, mental, intellectual, and time boundaries.
Physical boundaries are your comfort with physical proximity, sexuality, and commonly shared space. Examples include:
Emotional boundaries require understanding your emotional bandwidth, how much you can give to others, and the personal information you are willing to share. Examples include:
Mental boundaries affirm your right to form thoughts and opinions unique to you. Examples include:
Time boundaries are recognizing the value of your time and having the right to determine how you spend it. Examples include:
Clear boundaries are an important part of self-respect and self-care. By determining your boundaries, you are first and foremost acknowledging your own needs and comfort level. By speaking those boundaries aloud, you are actively increasing your sense of self-worth.
Whether you need to set limits with yourself or with someone in your life, you can communicate your needs without being aggressive. Healthy boundaries are not about getting your way in a relationship but about living your life according to your comfort, sharing your wishes and needs in relationships, and accepting that you can’t control what other people feel.
An unhealthy, inconsistent, or crossed boundary has negative consequences for your mental wellbeing. If you allow yourself to be treated in ways that are contrary to your health, patterns of acquiescing to others will become normalized and can lead to abusive romantic relationships or other manipulative situations.
To know whether you have a need for boundaries, consider the following:
It can be challenging to establish boundaries in your relationships that are safe and healthy. For example, some people struggle with assertiveness, with saying “no,” or their desire to please others. While asserting yourself or asking for what you need can be challenging, these conversations are an important exercise in self-worth.
“When this happened, I felt uncomfortable. In the future, I’d like this to happen.”
“_______ is a boundary for me.”
“Something I’ve learned about myself is that I need time to process when we’re having difficult conversations. I think that if we did things differently, it would leave us both feeling more calm and controlled.”
“When you disagree with me in that tone, I feel belittled and it makes it hard to want to continue conversations. If we can’t speak about this respectfully, I will not participate in these types of conversations.”
Over time, the more you practice verbalizing your boundaries, the easier it will become. Sometimes, however, we require more support. To help you navigate these tough conversations, we have created a template that breaks down the steps of speaking up in such a way that makes you feel heard and understood.
Setting boundaries can make you feel selfish, guilty, or mean. You may feel this way because it’s one thing to tell yourself you matter, but another to say to others. It’s also possible that you didn’t experience clear or consistent boundaries as a child, so they don’t come naturally to you. Prioritizing yourself and getting what you want or need may make you feel guilty.
By setting boundaries more frequently, you will see your needs and wants as legitimate, reducing guilt. In addition, you’ll start to surround yourself with others who share the same beliefs about your wants and needs. Remember: Your feelings are valid. You deserve to be safe and respected. Your needs are paramount. Setting clear boundaries allows you to be yourself, which is key to creating a healthy relationship with yourself and others!
Whether you need assistance setting boundaries or are worried about a loved one who needs help, you can schedule a free consultation with one of our counselors today or call us at (470) 740-7121. We look forward to hearing from you!
Gleyce Almeida-Farrell is a psychotherapist and the founder of Holistic Wellness Practice in Alpharetta, GA. She specializes in helping adults manage stress and overcome symptoms of anxiety utilizing a holistic and integrative approach to mental wellness.
We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!