Thinking and Communicating Relationally

What does it mean to think and speak relationally?  It simply means to think in terms of “we” rather than  “me and you,” or even worse, “me versus you.”   It’s actually necessary in order to have lasting, healthy, happy relationships with the people in your life.  

This article will focus on your primary partnership, but you can easily apply to all the relationships in your life.  This article is based on Terry Real’s work, an amazing couples therapist who has developed his own couples therapy approach, Relational Life Therapy, and has many books and interviews worth reading and listening to.  There’s also some helpful information from the Gottman Institute as well. 

Speaking 

Speaking relationally is a skill.  It takes practice.  

It is choosing to speak with love and respect.  It is choosing to land in the middle ground of not being too silent (avoiding, stonewalling, denying) but not being too harsh (critical, defensive, angry, contemptful). When there’s much to say and no safe place to say it, the unspoken festers and becomes chronic resentment or an eventual explosion. Studies have shown that choosing to speak softly predicts the way the conversation will continue and end.  

It is choosing to start sentences with I rather than you.  Focusing on yourself in conversation will help it stay “we-focused.”  It is about you sharing your perception, feelings, and inner world rather than blaming, pointing the finger or focusing on what the other person is doing.  I love to use the Gottman Institute statement:  I’m feeling __ about __ and would love __.  

It is changing your complaints to requests or boundaries.  When you hear someone complaining, you naturally get on the defensive.  It makes you feel blamed and your protector parts come out to keep you safe.  A complaint sounds like:  You never help me with __, while a request looks like this:  It would be so helpful if you could __.   Do you hear the difference in these two statements?  Taken a step further, a boundary would sound like this:  If you can’t help me with __ then I’m going to have to __.  

It is choosing to negotiate relationally which will prevent the conversation from escalating or someone getting flooded.   After all, the majority of problems in a partnership are perpetual not solvable which means that there will need to be continued we-focused communication over the course of time. 

Negotiating is moving from a win/lose stance to relational wisdom.  In intimate relationships, it’s never a matter of two people landing on one true reality but rather of negotiating and accepting differing subjective realities.

Not speaking relationally leads to a lot of dysfunctional patterns and habits.  Self-focused communication leads to objectivity battles, power struggles, needs not being expressed, contracts left too open-ended or vague, speaking with the 4 horsemen (stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, and criticism) or other communication errors, and worst of all a lack of trust in one another and ultimately, disconnection. 

Listening 

The next major component to relational communication is listening with we in mind.  After all, listening makes up half of communication.  

Choose to listen with internal boundaries.  Internal boundaries are like a gate or screen that helps protect you while staying connected to others.  It is a filter of sorts to help you remain grounded and present.  Internal boundaries aren’t anything you have to say to anyone.  They are something you do internally with yourself.  

Choose to scan for the positive while listening. Then, when it’s your turn to speak you are able to lead with agreement or validation or generosity, not argument or blame or criticism.  

Choose to listen with compassion.  Your goal with listening is to really hear and understand what the other person is saying.  Only by listening with compassion will you make it to your goal.  This will keep your conversation we-focused, relational, and connected.  

Listening isn’t just in response to what others are saying but also to what you’re saying to yourself.  Do you always believe everything that your mind is thinking?  It’s important to be aware of this and learn to lean in with curiosity as to why it’s telling you that.  We can’t always believe everything that our brain thinks.  It is biased from self-protection, natural wiring/temperament, and the past.  

Not listening relationally will lead to further dysfunctional patterns and habits. Self-focused listening leads to defensiveness, argumentativeness, and walls.  That’s a sure fire way to disconnection and a miserable relationship.  

Awareness, Self Control and Maturity 

Relational integrity is evident when you maintain your awareness, self-control, and maturity in your thinking.  It’s when you are able to stay moderate and on course while navigating a discussion. More importantly, it means staying moderate and sane when your partner is not (they’re probably flooded).  If one or both of you are starting to experience flooding (when one of you starts not acting sane), responsible distance taking (a pause) needs to happen immediately.  You cannot stay on course when one or both of you is flooded.  

Staying we-focused means being committed to a team approach.  It’s not about you, it’s about the good of the relationship.  The relational answer to the question who’s right and who’s wrong is who cares. The real question is how are we as a team going to approach this issue in a way that works for both of us. From a relational perspective, what does it matter? It doesn’t matter who is more right, what matters is that your partner feels heard and seen.  Winning really makes you lose; it makes you lose connection with your partner.  If you struggle with this, ask yourself why you need to win.  Often times there is a wound or raw spot there.  

Not prioritizing self-awareness, self-control, and maturity also leads to a lot of dysfunctional patterns.  Some signs of this dysfunction will be continuing to engage in conflict even though you’re flooded, answering immature behavior with immature behavior, getting stuck on the relational see-saw, and doing what’s best for you and not for the relationship as a whole. 

Repair

When you mess up, you fess up. It’s as simple as that.  

Five step apology:  I’m sorry; I did do that; That sounds __; Tell me more about it; Is there something I can do?

We all mess up.  We react to something, make assumptions that aren’t correct, forget to do something, get defensive, shutdown, try to control, or just have a bad day and act like an ass.  Relational esteem occurs when a couple has a warm regard (positive outlook) despite the imperfections and limitations of one another and as a couple.  It’s accepting that there are three phases that repeat continuously in relationship- harmony, disharmony, and repair.

Sometimes repair is a helpful conversation.  It is a matter of communicating this is what happened and this is how it made me feel.  It’s about feeling safe and vulnerable to share your perspective and listen to your partners.  It’s about learning how to do the same incident differently next time it happens.  

Unsuccessful repair or a lack of it at all leads to dysfunctional patterns as well.  If you or your partner is starting to show elements of control, revenge, or resignation, it’s important to take an honest look at the relationship and whether or not it is we-focused.  

Intimacy

We all crave relational intimacy.  We want our marriages to feel more like lover relationships, than friend or roommate relationships.  Therefore, we must be willing to take the kind of risks that lovers take.

Choose to cherish one another.  Rather than prioritize and protect yourself.  What does it mean to cherish one another?  It means to protect and care for someone, to hold someone dear, and to keep that person in your mind.  It means to adore, love, prize, value highly, and hold dear.  

Choose to monitor your lens.  Rather than having a lack of awareness about the lens you hold.  Know when your lens begins to skew negative.  When we have a negative lens of our partner, we only see their few worst qualities.  While they do possess those qualities, they also possess a wide range of good ones too.  Broaden your focus to include all their qualities.  

Choose to show gratitude and appreciation to your partner.  Rather than forget to communicate it.  Rather than choose to communicate only the negative.  Rather than criticize or show contempt.  Rather than using blame as a means to get what you want or control your partner.  

Choose to have empathy and vulnerability.  Ask yourself: how will they feel after I say this?  Rather than counter with being dismissive, minimizing, tough love, playing devil’s advocate or defending.  

Choose to have accountability towards yourself and the way you think and communicate.  Rather than keep things to yourself.  Rather than think you can change on your own.  Rather than choosing stoic independence.  

Learning to think and communicate relationally will drastically change every relationship in your life for the better.  There is literally no downside to it!  

Cheat Sheet for We (Not Me)

Think at a team, not as a me. 

Speak softly. 

Start your sentences with I, not you.  

Don’t complain, make requests instead. 

Learn how to negotiate and compromise. 

Accept that both partners have valid realities.  

Avoid objectivity battles. 

Listen with compassion and understanding.  

Respond with generosity.

Pause if one of you gets flooded. 

Detach from the need to win. 

Learn how to repair.  

Don’t get stuck on the see-saw.

Cherish one another. 

Be a safe partner. 

Hold yourself accountable to being relational. 

About Kristi

Kristi Schwegman is a psychotherapist specializing in helping couples develop healthy relationships, whether dating, engaged, or married. She also draws from her Christian-based approach to lead individuals in becoming aware of the limiting beliefs that can get them stuck.