Your worst relationship nightmare has come true! You’ve just found out that your partner has been having an affair! Or, as the case may be, it is you who have just been found to be the one having an affair! This pivotal moment for a couple is wrought with emotions running the gamut from high anxiety, anger, sadness, embarrassment, and even for some, in a strange way, relief.
Suddenly you find yourselves at a crossroads in your relationship. Will this be the end? Will you try to salvage the relationship? You may or may not know exactly what you want to do. If you decide that you can no longer move forward as a couple you can still find a way to end things in a healthy way with a sense of closure. If you decide to try to find a way to stay together you’ll also have to come to terms with the affair in order to put yourselves in a position to move forward. However, one thing is for certain – whatever relationship you had before will no longer be. If you have hope for your relationship to continue then you will forever say goodbye to what once was and hello to what can be. If both partners are willing to put in the work it is possible to find a love like you’ve never experienced before together.
Navigating these waters can be tricky. Working with a licensed couples therapist at Holistic Wellness Practice will provide you both with a safe environment and an experienced clinician to help guide you on your journey.
In many ways an affair is like a wake-up call for a couple. Acts of infidelity run anywhere on a spectrum of behaviors from a text or chat that crossed a boundary to the prototypical scene of finding your partner in bed with someone else. All of these scenarios are embodied with deception, lying, secrets, and betrayal. However, rarely does one partner specifically go out and about with a plan to have an affair. For most the feeling they report predominantly is, “I don’t even know how this happened? I had no idea it would go this far!”
The litmus test for being able to tell if your actions constitute infidelity is to ask one simple question: Am I keeping any of this from my partner? Quite simply if the answer is yes, if you have anything to hide, then you’ve crossed over the line into an affair.
For the purposes of this article we’ll refrain from the emotionally charged titles like “cheater” and “cheated”. Here we’ll identify the one who has strayed outside the relationship as the Actor and the one who has been betrayed as the Receiver.
This is the oft used mantra of the Actor in the moment the affair has come to light. When the receiver asks them if they are having an affair all too often their immediate response will be to deny it, explain it away, and try to convince the Receiver that they’ve jumped to the wrong conclusion. The deny, deny, deny approach is to an extent a little bit of a human nature defense mechanism. While the Receiver is overwhelmed with a wealth of emotions the Actor is overcome with a ton of emotions as well – anxiety, guilt, fear, and embarrassment simultaneously. For many the depth and breadth of these feelings put them in a position where truth telling is difficult if not impossible.
These lies ensue and now the couple can start to spiral down a never-ending rabbit hole of deceit and dishonesty. The defense mechanism is thus: If the Actor hasn’t yet been able to be truthful to themselves they can’t be truthful to the Receiver. Consider the cognitive dissonance they are just beginning to struggle through – their beliefs about who they are as a person, their character, their morals, and their commitment to this relationship have just been juxtaposed to their actual behavior. It’s gonna take a minute for that to sink in and for them to come to terms with this reality.
Others may profusely apologize, even beg for forgiveness. But similarly, they don’t really know yet what they are apologizing for or even if they really want to. It takes a little while sitting with these emotions before you can come to terms with what has happened. This is how cognitive dissonance works.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a pause. How long that pause may be will depend on both of you. The ugly truth has just come to light. Give yourselves a moment to breathe before you continue the conversation. That time out may result in a more fruitful conversation.
The infidelity that has occurred is a testament to the fact that the very pillars of your relationship have been compromised – honesty, trust, communication, and commitment. Rebuilding those pillars will take some work. Work that may at first seem overwhelming and intimidating but is absolutely possible to achieve. It will require a level of dedication from both the Actor and the Receiver. You read that correctly! It won’t be just the Actor who will have to put forth effort. The Receiver will need to put in just as much effort. It takes two to fall in love and it also takes two to fall out of love. Rediscovering a new love will take both of you.
Here are a couple of exercises I use with the couples I work with who are dealing with one form of infidelity or another. Within the confines of the safe environment provided by therapy they can be an effective means of rebuilding trust.
In this exercise the Actor has the floor for approximately 15 minutes to tell their story to the Receiver with 100% truth and honesty. Any failure to be truthful here will irrevocably destroy the relationship. The goal is to allow yourself to be vulnerable leaving no stone unturned. Tell the truthful rendition of the affair from beginning to end. Even if the story is different from what you may have told the Receiver earlier – in fact, that is expected. Telling your partner either something they didn’t already know or correcting something you may have lied about earlier will put you on the path to understanding. You’ll understand yourself better and your partner will understand you better as well. Tell the truthful story to yourself first. Then you’ll be ready to tell it to your partner.
The Receiver’s job is to listen and not interrupt the Actor in any way. It’s not easy at all but in order for the Actor to be transparent they’ll need your partnership here. At the end of the Truth Telling the Receiver’s other job is to tell the Actor that they’ve heard them and that they accept their truth.
When an affair is discovered the Receiver will typically have a myriad of questions. This is both normal and uncomfortable. For the Actor answering these questions, especially in the heat of the moment, can prove challenging to be truthful. As is the case with denial there is a tendency to consider what the Actor may want to hear and give that to them rather than the truth for fear of hurting them more. As you can imagine this leads to more lies making the path to regaining trust and rebuilding the relationship that much more challenging.
Once more, taking a moment to breathe before answering can be a good policy. This can give you a moment to find the truthful answer and provide that for your partner. The questions can be quite pivotal with queries like, “Do you love him?”, “Did you tell her you loved her?”, “What future plans did you have with him?” They can also be quite graphic asking details around any alleged sexual interactions the Actor may have had with the Receiver. This can be scary for both of you. However, at this juncture in your relationship getting everything on the table, in the open, and transparent is the only way to banish secrets and provide an opportunity for your relationship to not only survive but potentially thrive.
For many couples the Receiver will ask the Actor the same questions at different times. This may prove frustrating and difficult for the Actor but again, this is quite normal for these circumstances. The Actor may want to say, “I already answered this.” However, answering it again will go far and refusing to will make things worse. On one level the Receiver is looking for consistency or lack thereof in the Actor’s answers. Getting the same answer repeatedly will prove reassuring to the Receiver. Getting different answers will leave room for more doubt. The bottom line is the more you can answer their questions truthfully the better things can be.
One exercise I use in couples therapy is a Q & A session. Here the Receiver can ask the Actor any questions they have in mind about the affair. The Actor’s job is to stay present in the moment, take a breath, and answer each question with 100% truth – even if that truth is painful. This is also an opportunity to correct a false answer given earlier with the honest one. The Receiver must avoid loaded questions designed to can catch the Actor in a lie. Instead keep them simple and direct. We’re not looking for a “gotcha” moment. Instead we want to provide a platform where honesty can be fostered. With the safe environment of the therapeutic experience the opportunity for the couple to better understand each other through these questions and answers can provide a steppingstone toward a brighter future.
Infidelity is often woven into the fabric of our internet-based world. Texts, instant messages, chats, emails, posts, search and browsing history, and more often prove to be the medium through which an affair is born, cultivated, and maintained. Sharing all of the accounts, passwords, phone access, etc. can prove pivotal in moving toward resolution.
The Receiver will often ask for these, but if the Actor offers it first this can pay large dividends in recovering your relationship. If the Receiver does ask for it first the Actor should comply immediately. Any denial or hesitation will only harbor greater distrust. This act of transparency can be a stepping stone toward regaining trust. By sharing all of your accounts, passwords, etc. you’ll be letting your partner know that you have nothing left to hide. Do it immediately without deleting anything. You’re on a new path now so anything you attempt to obscure will ultimately work against the both of you. Take solace in your new freedom from this overwhelming burden of secrets. Understand who you were and begin to embrace the new version of yourself that you are becoming. The truth does set you free.
Receivers will want to resist the urge to Google and social media search their partner’s affair. For many the desire stems from wanting to know what the other person looked like, what they had that they didn’t, etc. and can lead down some negative paths like body comparison or otherwise. Do your best to let that go and spend your time, energy, and effort together with your partner on resolving the affair. In time there will come a shift from looking backwards to looking forward.
Similarly refrain from putting a location tracker on the Actors car or phone unless this is something you both have talked about in advance. These trackers can provide some early assurances for the Receiver as you begin to heal but as you embark upon your new relationship they’ll no longer have a helpful place.
Earlier in this article I stated that despite an affair having taken place it is possible to find a love that you never experienced before together. As far-fetched as that may sound at the outset many couples I’ve worked with have reported exactly this. The moment of discovery of the affair is the beginning of your new relationship. Once you and your partner have completed those steps discussed earlier you’ll start to move into the second phase.
Here you’ll be at a place emotionally where you can start to consider your hopeful future. Hope can be the single greatest element in the success of your new relationship. Now in therapy you’ll spend time considering, brainstorming, pondering, and envisioning what your new relationship will look like. We’ll walk through, in exquisite detail your Future Memories of Success.
From there we’ll identify your future focused goals as a couple including a means of tracking your success as together you embark on your new path. Here you’ll find a means to forgiveness and acceptance. Sessions will use some positive elements from the past but will predominantly be focused on the present and near term future. Soon you’ll find yourselves fully invested in your newfound relationship re-built entirely on honesty, trust, communication, transparency, and commitment. In time you’ll look back and laugh at when you thought you were in love before the affair. The new love you will discover will be worlds apart.
If you are trying to come to terms with infidelity and trust issues, whether with your partner or on your own, don’t let those matters define you or your relationship. The team at Holistic Wellness Practice have experienced and skilled couples therapists ready and able to help you navigate these waters to a happier and healthier future.
Morgan is a psychotherapist who specializes in working with clients to triumph over trauma, depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, LGBTQI+ issues, couples, and stress. On weekends you can find him in his happy place tuning and racing cars at Road Atlanta.
We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!
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