Whether you struggle with an anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant attachment style, we are all capable of developing secure attachment. Creating and nurturing a secure attachment style can lead to more fulfilling relationships, whether that is with romantic partners, friends, or family members.
Even though our attachment styles tend to develop in childhood and continue to impact and guide how we connect with others throughout the entirety of our life – they are able to change, we can nurture them and heal from one to another. If you struggle with an insecure attachment style (avoidant, anxious, anxious-avoidant) then you are able to grow to a more secure attachment style with commitment and intentional effort.
If you are ready to work on relating to others and becoming the best version of yourself, then here are 5 steps that will help guide you through the journey of embodying a secure attachment style.
For so long now you have existed comfortably in your attachment style, whether that is anxiously awaiting those you care about to leave, often seeking reassurance from people, or intentionally pushing your people away from you – it has been the norm for you thus far. There is healing once you decide to step away from your comfort zone and reframe the patterns and ways of thinking that no longer serve you. You may have behaviors that were developed in childhood to protect you and they are currently trying to keep that inner child safe to this day. However, these coping mechanisms only served you in the past, it’s okay to recognize they now are hindering your meaningful relationships with others.
Change will not be comfortable but practice sitting in it, existing in it – embracing the uncomfortable. When you catch yourself seeking reassurance for the hundredth time or catch yourself isolating because you feel “too exposed” vulnerably, I want you to pause and sit in that. Invite that discomfort in, recognize that these behaviors are no longer helping you and not acting on that instinct leads to growth. Lean in to the discomfort, it will lead you towards deep, more secure relationships.
Attachment styles are all about connection with others, it is pretty hard to work on healing an insecure attachment style in isolation. One of the key ingredients to working on your attachment style is doing it within and with the support of others. Surround yourself with people who foster connections where communication, trust, and sympathy are at the foundation. Those you are in a relationship with should encourage you on this journey, hold you accountable, and respect your boundaries. Make note of the “emotional safety” you feel within these relationships, lean on the ones where it is overtly present. It’s essential to talk to those around you about your struggles within your insecure attachment style. Your inner circle should be your safe space where you practice emotional security and vulnerability, you deserve that.
Remember that your attachment style is something that is so deeply rooted in you and was ingrained from a young age. It’s something that has been reinforced time and time again making it tough to grow out of – but it is not impossible! Healing will forever and always be a path of ups and downs, back and forth, lefts and right. It is never straight ahead and that is perfectly normal, practice self-compassion during this time. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into old habits of withdrawal or anxious behaviors, give yourself grace. Allow kindness to wash over you instead of beating yourself up, you don’t deserve that. Your behaviors are a product of early experiences and learned patterns, not of you and who you are as a human. Continue to build and create the emotional security that you have always craved and from that you will grow.
This is one of, if not the most, important role of healing when working on developing a secure attachment style. Healthy boundaries allow you to exist in a space that is respectful of your needs and wants – they allow you to be true to yourself so that you can show up authentically and foster meaningful connections. For those with avoidant attachment it is imperative you communicate the need and desire for these boundaries. They allow you to engage in a relationship while still preserving your autonomy and without fully shutting people out. Healthy boundaries protect your emotional health without pushing others away. For individuals with anxious attachment, boundaries are imperative to create balance within relationships and avoid unhealthy codependency. Instead of needing to seek reassurance and validation constantly these boundaries will allow you to feel secure and supported. Healthy boundaries are essential in fostering relationships rooted in mutual support and respect, rather than avoidance or fear.
Well not literally, although no one is stopping you either, but make sure to prioritize celebrating your growth and progress. I always say in therapy “baby steps are big steps” and “little wins = big wins”. Healing an insecure attachment style is not easy nor is it a quick and easy process. You will constantly resist the urge to act on your avoidant or anxious tendencies, but you can do it. Whether it’s something small such as allowing yourself to be vulnerable or actually communicating a need – celebrate it, you’re stepping closer and closer to secure attachment each time. These small steps are signs of growth and they allow you to recognize it is possible to heal and you are capable of doing the hard things to create secure, fulfilling relationships.
The journey is never going to be easy but that is what makes it beautiful. Remember to be kind to yourself, embrace change, and seek out supportive connections. You will arrive at the point where you are continuously creating and fostering the secure connections you have always and will always deserve. Remind yourself of that.
Brooke is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping clients dealing with difficult life transitions, symptoms of anxiety or depression, and LGBTQ+-related issues. She practices a collective and modern approach to mental health counseling, which is rooted in genuineness and vulnerability.
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