I Need To Tell You Something

Paradigm Shift-

“Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something.” With these words your kid has found the courage to tell you something that is about to change your world. They have determined that they are lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, queer, trans, non-binary, something else…. just…not…straight.

This is an emotional inflection point for your family. How you handle this today and tomorrow, will go a long way toward how you and your kiddo develop a positive new future. It’s taken them a lot of careful thought, introspection, and consideration to get to this point. They know who they are. They are certain of it. And because of that they can now share this news with you.

In their eyes they’ll be searching yours. Looking for your reaction. Fearful of rejection. Hopeful of acceptance. In this same instant you’ll be flooded with a stream of emotions yourself. It’s natural. Take a moment. Breathe. It’s okay to say, “Hey, you just hit me with something big. I’m just processing.” What you say next is up to you. Start from the heart. Let them know you’ve heard them. That you accept them. That you still love them. They’re still the same kid you loved yesterday. Put your arms around them and bring them in for a tight, long squeeze.

Guess what? You may not be the first to find out. Chances are they may have shared this with others, starting with a trusted friend or an anonymous supporter on social media. Still, that was all practice and preamble for this moment. Nothing means more to them than sharing this news with you. Together your world is a little bit different now. You’re gonna be fine!

Grieving

Grieving For What Once Was, But Now Will Never Be

It’s okay to ask questions. When did you know this? How long have you felt this way? Who else knows about this? You may reflect back on some things from the past and ask yourself, “Were they telling me this all along and I just didn’t see it?” Maybe. Maybe not. It’s okay to talk about those things.

Your kid has likely gone six ways to Sunday coming to terms with this reality with their own emotions. For you that emotional journey is just beginning. Let it run its course. Like Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Death and Dying you may go through periods of denial, bargaining, anger and depression before you get to your own place of acceptance. All of this is natural.

One thing I emphasize to LGBTQIA+ parents, to help them through this, is to grieve for what once was, but now will never be. All parents have hopes and dreams for their children from the moment they are born. As they grow, we know it is their life and they grow to make their own decisions for their future. Still it’s fair to dream about what kind of man your little girl will grow up to marry. The son-in-law you will find in him. What their wedding will be like. The grandchildren they will bear for you….

Those things may not happen now. At least not in the way you had dreamed. It’s okay to cry for that loss. It’s healthy and you will heal. Once you have cried for that you’ll be able to embrace the new dreams. I had a co-worker once who summed it up best when he said, “I thought I had a girl until I found out I had a boy.”

Pronouns and Dead Names

Don’t call me this. Call me that.

What’s in a name? Everything! Pronouns for LGBTQIA+ people are definitely a hot button political topic. Don’t make any assumptions. Ask your kid what they prefer. Keep in mind that what they prefer today may change over time.

Try your best to honor their wishes. It’s okay if you make a mistake from time to time and call them “he” instead of “her” or “they”. That’s bound to happen after all these years of calling them by one rather than the other. If your kiddo is trans or non-binary it can get really tricky with “they” and “them”. And that’s not all! Hang in there. Practice makes perfect!

Using the pronouns they prefer is a sure fire way to let them know you accept them. Just as much, adamantly refusing to do so will definitely give them the firm understanding that you don’t. There’s a whole new vocabulary you’ll begin to learn. For example if the person in question once was your niece or nephew you may end up calling them as they prefer, your nibbling. We use the term “kiddo” as a kind of catch all to encompass any young person in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Again, if you’re not sure – ask!

Pronouns – Society for Sexual, Affectional, Intersex, and Gender Expansive Identities

What’s the “+” in LGBTQIA+?

Gender and sexual identity definitions are changing. It can be hard to keep up! Work with your kiddo to understand where they fit on the spectrum of things. Ask and listen. Let them teach you. Be as open and accepting as you can. Understand that while they may identify one way today that too may change tomorrow. Be agile, accepting, and supportive always.

LGBTQ+ Youth - Big Brothers Big Sisters Of Metropolitan Chicago

Like Prince I’ve Chosen a New Name!

With regard to the grieving we spoke about earlier your kiddo may ask you to call them by a new name. One that for them more accurately reflects who they are. They’ll have a new name and their old name will be referred to as their “dead name”. It’s okay to cry for this too. Afterall you and their other parent probably spent a lot of time choosing their name before they were born. It’s special to you and through now it’s been inseparable in your mind from their very being. Take some time to let this one emotionally resolve for you. As with the pronouns practice and make a concerted effort to call them by their new name. You will slip up from time to time and they’ll be okay with that. It’s a new name for them too! For a time they may answer to both but work hard to use their new name as much as possible.

It’s Not Your Story To Tell

Who all knows about this?

In the midst of all this emotion you may be tempted to share your kids news with friends and family. Hold on there partner! It’s not your story to tell. Who and when anyone gets to know about this has to be completely up to them. They’ve just shared something more intimate than anything in the world to them with you. You can honor their courage by maintaining their confidence.

Ask them who they’ve shared this news with. Who do they want to know about it and who do they not want to know about it. For those they want to share the news with there may be an order, a where, and a when to each. Let your kid lead.

Ask them if it’s okay to share this with others or not. You may be a part of their plan of who to tell, perhaps even having you share it with some specific people. Or not. Be okay with either. For now bask in the knowledge that they felt confident and trusted you to know this most intimate story of theirs. Let the story unfold by the author.

Living in a LGBTQIA+ Phobic World

“I don’t want to live in a world that hates me.”

One of LGBTQIA+ parents greatest fears is how their child will navigate the historical and current political climate amidst their identity. The chances of them encountering discrimination, taunting, bullying, and hatred are pretty high. Having healthy, open conversations about these topics with their parents can make all the difference in the world for them. Navigating these scenarios can be tricky but they can be done successfully with some preparation, support, even role play.

Moreover, the emotional trauma endured by at risk LGBTQIA+ youth often leads to dauntingly high rates of depression and suicide. A suicidal trans teen client of mine once told me, “I don’t want to live in a world that hates me.” The National Library of Medicine states, “Data indicate that 82% of transgender individuals have considered killing themselves and 40% have attempted suicide, with suicidality highest among transgender youth”

Given these stark statistics, if your child indicates anything that has you concerned that they are considering ending their life it is important to seek help immediately. One of the most effective outlets for LBGTQIA people at risk is the dedicated services by calling or texting 988, the national suicide hotline. As of this article they also have staffing and support specifically for suicidal LGBTQIA+ individuals.

If your child is managing gender dysphoria, stress, anxiety or depression getting them into therapy with a licensed psychotherapist trained in LGBTQIA+ issues and gender affirmation will be tantamount to their success.

Gender dysphoria in children – Upbility Publications

Therapy That Works

Whether you just found out you are the parent of an LGBTQIA+ kid or if you yourself are an LGBTQIA+ child and you’re trying to come to terms with it all therapy is a great place to work through all of these feelings! Therapy can help a person come to terms with their identity, provide a safe place to share that information with family members, navigate the myriad of feelings including dysphoria, depression, and anxiety. If you’ve been thinking about hurting yourself getting into therapy cannot wait.

If you are considering hormone therapy or a potential gender affirming surgery having a diagnosis of gender dysphoria may be required. Yet there are pros and cons to having this diagnosis. You’ll want to discuss all of those with a professional who understands all of those ramifications.

Hence, it is important to select a therapist who has experience working with LGBTQIA+ issues and gender affirmation. Evidence-based therapy methodologies are guided by scientific evidence and research and provide the best treatment options for individuals and families dealing with these issues. Three such therapy methodologies include Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

SFBTs focus on developing strengths, eliciting exceptions, and future directed approach to developing solutions lends itself well to LGBTQIA+ clients. Specifically it’s non-judgemental and affirming stance lends itself well in both individual and family scenarios. A critical factor in the success of SFBT is the ability to work together with the client to form well defined treatment goals as well as the criteria which would determine successful achievement of those goals. Developing and encouraging the clients sense of autonomy empowers them to gain mastery over their destiny. An emphasis on envisioning their future life after they have successfully come to terms with their sexual identity allows them to develop their own set of competencies and skills.

DBT is an evolution of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that has extensive emphasis on helping clients to manage intense emotions, learn ways of regulating them, and identifying and changing negative thought patterns. It is a comprehensive approach that can include a combination of individual therapy, family skills groups, phone coaching, and a DBT consultation team for the therapist. One skill of DBT, Mindfulness of Current Emotions, is an emotional regulation strategy that helps clients to observe and accept emotions without judgment. This ability to become more aware of and accepting of ones emotions can help clients learn to regulate and manage their intense emotions including those of suicidal ideation.

ACT is another evolution of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and has been one of the most highly used therapy methodologies with porn addiction. ACT encourages clients to accept difficult thoughts and feelings head on. At the same time it encourages the client to commit to actions that align with their values. Rather than trying to control or suppress the difficult thoughts and feelings ACT encourages the client to accept them as a normal part of life. With a strong emphasis on mindfulness skills clients increase their awareness of their thoughts and feelings, stay present in the moment, and keep any judgments at bay. Commitment encourages the clients to take tangible concrete steps toward their goals even during these emotionally challenging times.

If you are trying to come to terms with your identity make the move to get started with therapy. The team at Kellen Mental Health have experienced and skilled family and individual therapists ready and able to help you navigate these waters to a happier and healthier future where you can walk with pride.

References

Rottnek II: Affirming Solutions: Using Solution-Focused Brief Therapy With Transgender, Gender Nonconforming, and Gender Questioning Youth; 2021 https://doi.org/10.1521/jsyt.2020.39.4.13
Mills J. Review of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy With the Lgbt Community: Creating Futures Through Hope And Resilience by Rebekka Ouer. Issues Ment Health Nurs. 2016 May;37(5):383. doi: 10.3109/01612840.2016.1174320. PMID: 27172235.
Austin A, Craig SL, D’Souza S, McInroy LB. Suicidality Among Transgender Youth: Elucidating the Role of Interpersonal Risk Factors. J Interpers Violence. 2022 Mar;37(5-6):NP2696-NP2718. doi: 10.1177/0886260520915554. Epub 2020 Apr 29. Erratum in: J Interpers Violence. 2020 Jul 29:886260520946128. doi: 10.1177/0886260520946128. PMID: 32345113.
Kingsbury M, Hammond NG, Johnstone F, Colman I. Suicidality among sexual minority and transgender adolescents: a nationally representative population-based study of youth in Canada. CMAJ. 2022 Jun 6;194(22):E767-E774. doi: 10.1503/cmaj.212054. PMID: 35667666; PMCID: PMC9177208.
Phillip A, Pellechi A, DeSilva R, Semler K, Makani R. A Plausible Explanation of Increased Suicidal Behaviors Among Transgender Youth Based on the Interpersonal Theory of Suicide (IPTS): Case Series and Literature Review. J Psychiatr Pract. 2022 Jan 6;28(1):3-13. doi: 10.1097/PRA.0000000000000604. PMID: 34989340.
Huang Y, Li P, Guo L, Gao X, Xu Y, Huang G, Deng X, Lu C. Sexual minority status and suicidal behaviour among Chinese adolescents: a nationally representative cross-sectional study. BMJ Open. 2018 Aug 8;8(8):e020969. doi: 10.1136/bmjopen-2017-020969. PMID: 30093513; PMCID: PMC6089305.

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