Parenting a Child with ADHD: Challenges, Insights, and Lessons (Part 1)

What does ADHD look like on the “day to day”?

This blog isn’t about defining ADHD with clusters of symptoms, diagnoses, or debates over medications. If you’re interested in the biological or neurological aspects of ADHD, I’ve included some links at the bottom.

Today, I want to speak to parents about the everyday struggles of raising a child with ADHD. I’ll break down and describe what these struggles look like day-to-day. These challenges might have always been there or started later when your child entered middle school. They might happen sometimes or all day, every day. These struggles are hard to explain because “dry” DSM definitions like “being inattentive, lack of emotional regulation, hyperactive, or interrupting” don’t even begin to cover what you and your beloved child deal with.

Maybe you’ve shared some of this with family or friends, but they just didn’t get it. For example, your mom in her late 60s might say, “I don’t remember you or your siblings acting like this when you were children. You need more discipline.” Thanks for the advice, mom!

Let’s dive in. Parents, have you ever:

– Found yourself saying (or yelling) things like, “You’re not listening to me,” “He’s doing it on purpose,” “She doesn’t think and therefore she will bear the consequences,” or even the classic, “I will not live to be 41; this child will surely kill me sooner”?

– Repeated warnings that aren’t even about house rules but about safety and basic survival for the 237th time—and still nothing clicked? For example, “Please, for the love of god, do not go into the garage and DO NOT touch daddy’s yard tools; it’s very dangerous.” Yet, you find your ADHD child in the garage, knee-deep in screwdrivers and nails, holding the anti-wasp spray, about to spray their own face. And you saved them at the last second, after having a heart attack, again, and it’s not even 7 a.m.?

– Locked every room and cabinet because even at six years old, after explaining many times why it’s not a good idea to touch (and by touch, I mean rip, pull, reattach, attempt to cut with scissors, etc.) electric cables, sockets, sharp knives, all of the above?

– Found them standing next to a stool from the bathroom and a chair from the kitchen, an open safety cabinet lock in one hand, clutching an empty box of melatonin in the other, and you remember vividly that the box was full a few hours ago? Then you’re calling the state poison line, praying they won’t report you to CPS. Thankfully, they don’t, and assure you that you’re not the first parent to call them about this issue. I have a gut feeling they’re used to hearing from parents of ADHD children.

– Received calls or letters from school saying your wonderful, smart child is hitting other kids, throwing rocks, or just “can’t seem to get along well with others”? Or at family gatherings, while all the kids are playing together, your adult chat is interrupted every five minutes by another kid saying, “Johnny’s mom, Johnny is playing rough/ ripped my drawing/, hitting Kylie/ trying to unscrew the window.”

– Avoided social functions, gatherings, events, or long trips because you knew your child “couldn’t take it” and would probably be triggered and “act out”? Did you decline holiday dinners just to avoid getting mad and frustrated with them?

– Argued daily with your partner about the best way to react to these behaviors and whether your child will ever learn unless punished?

It can be a struggle to parent a child with ADHD. You’re not alone.

I speak not only as an LPC who has worked with children with ADHD and their parents, but also as a mother of twins, one of whom was diagnosed with ADHD (at age six) and growth hormone deficiency (at age three).

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, I want to provide you with affirmation and validation. You are not bad parents. You’re not “crazy” or “unfit to be parents.” Even neurotypical children can be very challenging and demanding. So adding ADHD into the mix, definitely increase the hardship level (gamers would call it “Hard Mode”). Your wonderful children are not “bad, undisciplined, unhinged, lazy, defiant, doing things to upset you on purpose,” or just plain mean. If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, they are coping with a neurological disorder, different brain structure, and delays in the development of their prefrontal cortex.

ADHD has a strong genetic factor—about 75% of children with ADHD have at least one parent with ADHD—so it’s highly possible one of you has it too, adding to the complexity. You’re just coping with the knowledge and tools you have. Parenting a child with ADHD often requires more knowledge and tools, and in this era of content overflow, it’s hard to know what works. 

Tips for parents, to help manage ADHD symptoms:

Here are some quick tips (note: these are not meant to replace official consultation or treatment with a professional like your pediatrician, psychologist, therapist, etc.):

  1. Educate yourself about what ADHD is and isn’t. There are many good books, podcasts, and articles out there. Find one that speaks to you and dive in. Like any other medical condition, we need to expand our own knowledge. (Recommended Book: “What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?“)
  2. If your child is experiencing some typical ADHD symptoms but has never been assessed or evaluated, consult your child’s school psychologist. Start by speaking with the teacher to learn about your child’s behavior at school. You can also have an evaluation done privately by a clinical psychologist with expertise in ADHD assessments. These can be expensive, so if finances are tight, start with the school system first.
  3. When considering medication, educate yourselves about the pros and cons. Discuss this among yourselves (the child’s legal guardians or parents) and come to a mutual decision together. Then consult with a trusted pediatrician or psychiatrist. Remember, even if you decide to give the child medication, it may take a few months to find the right one and the right dosage. My own son had to try three different medications before we found the one that works for him.
  4. Self-care for parents: Ask for help from family members or friends, take breaks, go for a jog, try yoga, any hobby really. Make sure you have free time for yourselves. Parenting a child with ADHD is intense and demanding, and when your cup is empty, you can’t help your child.
  5. Stay calm. Sometimes it’s impossible, I know, and that’s okay. But most of the time, try to remember that children learn heavily by mimicking. If they often see you losing it, this is what they learn to do when stressed and upset. If we adults cannot stay calm and regulate our own emotions, how can we expect a seven-year-old with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and a dopamine deficiency to regulate themselves?
  6. Use more positive reinforcement and fewer negative consequences, especially with younger kids. Some kids as young as five may be sent to their room repeatedly without fully understanding why. Learning consequences is a prefrontal cortex function, and at a young age, it’s just not developed. After educating yourselves about what ADHD is, discuss among yourselves what could be a good reward system for your child. For example, “token economy” is a well-known one. Make sure the “carrots” are appropriate for your child’s age and needs. Promising a beach trip to Miami may not mean much to a six-year-old, but 30 minutes more tablet time or building something with you will.
  7. Remember, while there is no cure for ADHD, the symptoms can be managed and reduced. For example, if they exist five times a day, seven days a week, using various tools and techniques (with or without medication), they might be reduced to two days a week, three times a day, depending on the child’s age, environment, and other factors. When the frequency and intensity of symptoms subside, there is a sense of progress and relief, which in turn facilitates more positive regard for your child.
  8. Your child is wonderful, but their brain is different. They may need help and guidance, and so do you. It’s okay, you’re not alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

Join me for my next blog entry: “Helpful Techniques to Parent a Child with ADHD.”

Resources:

https://youtu.be/J1uWaQFQac0 Dr. Stephani Sarkeis, Ph.D

https://youtu.be/gvoP7PsvpiE Dr. David Nowel, Ph.D

Podcast: https://adhdessentials.podbean.com/e/episode-1-with-dr-david-nowell/

Neurobiology of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) by Dr. Sanil Rege

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic

We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!

Wellness Blog | #learnwithhwp

Thoughtful Ways to Break Toxic Habits

Thoughtful Ways to Break Toxic Habits

It’s good to see you here. You’ve read the blogs, tips, and posts with catchy ideas that make you think about how to break the toxic patterns holding you back. You’re

Author Photo
About Gleyce | View Profile

Gleyce Almeida-Farrell is a psychotherapist and the founder of Holistic Wellness Practice in Alpharetta, GA. She specializes in helping adults manage stress and overcome symptoms of anxiety utilizing a holistic and integrative approach to mental wellness.

We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!

Healing from Heartbreak: An Attachment-Based Guide to Feeling, Surviving, and Thriving

Healing from Heartbreak: An Attachment-Based Guide to Feeling, Surviving, and Thriving

As humans, one of the most complex emotional injuries we can sustain is heartbreak. Whether it’s the downfall of a marriage, the collapse of a romantic relationship you thought would

Author Photo
About Brooke | View Profile

Brooke is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping clients dealing with difficult life transitions, symptoms of anxiety or depression, and LGBTQ+-related issues. She practices a collective and modern approach to mental health counseling, which is rooted in genuineness and vulnerability.

We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!

Parenting a Child with ADHD: Challenges, Insights, and Lessons (Part 1)

Parenting a Child with ADHD: Challenges, Insights, and Lessons (Part 1)

What does ADHD look like on the “day to day”?This blog isn’t about defining ADHD with clusters of symptoms, diagnoses, or debates over medications. If you’re interested in the biological

We offer in-person and virtual services – contact us today to learn more!

    Tweet
    Share
    Share
    Pin