This blog isn’t about defining ADHD with clusters of symptoms, diagnoses, or debates over medications. If you’re interested in the biological or neurological aspects of ADHD, I’ve included some links at the bottom.
Today, I want to speak to parents about the everyday struggles of raising a child with ADHD. I’ll break down and describe what these struggles look like day-to-day. These challenges might have always been there or started later when your child entered middle school. They might happen sometimes or all day, every day. These struggles are hard to explain because “dry” DSM definitions like “being inattentive, lack of emotional regulation, hyperactive, or interrupting” don’t even begin to cover what you and your beloved child deal with.
Maybe you’ve shared some of this with family or friends, but they just didn’t get it. For example, your mom in her late 60s might say, “I don’t remember you or your siblings acting like this when you were children. You need more discipline.” Thanks for the advice, mom!
– Found yourself saying (or yelling) things like, “You’re not listening to me,” “He’s doing it on purpose,” “She doesn’t think and therefore she will bear the consequences,” or even the classic, “I will not live to be 41; this child will surely kill me sooner”?
– Repeated warnings that aren’t even about house rules but about safety and basic survival for the 237th time—and still nothing clicked? For example, “Please, for the love of god, do not go into the garage and DO NOT touch daddy’s yard tools; it’s very dangerous.” Yet, you find your ADHD child in the garage, knee-deep in screwdrivers and nails, holding the anti-wasp spray, about to spray their own face. And you saved them at the last second, after having a heart attack, again, and it’s not even 7 a.m.?
– Locked every room and cabinet because even at six years old, after explaining many times why it’s not a good idea to touch (and by touch, I mean rip, pull, reattach, attempt to cut with scissors, etc.) electric cables, sockets, sharp knives, all of the above?
– Found them standing next to a stool from the bathroom and a chair from the kitchen, an open safety cabinet lock in one hand, clutching an empty box of melatonin in the other, and you remember vividly that the box was full a few hours ago? Then you’re calling the state poison line, praying they won’t report you to CPS. Thankfully, they don’t, and assure you that you’re not the first parent to call them about this issue. I have a gut feeling they’re used to hearing from parents of ADHD children.
– Received calls or letters from school saying your wonderful, smart child is hitting other kids, throwing rocks, or just “can’t seem to get along well with others”? Or at family gatherings, while all the kids are playing together, your adult chat is interrupted every five minutes by another kid saying, “Johnny’s mom, Johnny is playing rough/ ripped my drawing/, hitting Kylie/ trying to unscrew the window.”
– Avoided social functions, gatherings, events, or long trips because you knew your child “couldn’t take it” and would probably be triggered and “act out”? Did you decline holiday dinners just to avoid getting mad and frustrated with them?
– Argued daily with your partner about the best way to react to these behaviors and whether your child will ever learn unless punished?
I speak not only as an LPC who has worked with children with ADHD and their parents, but also as a mother of twins, one of whom was diagnosed with ADHD (at age six) and growth hormone deficiency (at age three).
If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, I want to provide you with affirmation and validation. You are not bad parents. You’re not “crazy” or “unfit to be parents.” Even neurotypical children can be very challenging and demanding. So adding ADHD into the mix, definitely increase the hardship level (gamers would call it “Hard Mode”). Your wonderful children are not “bad, undisciplined, unhinged, lazy, defiant, doing things to upset you on purpose,” or just plain mean. If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, they are coping with a neurological disorder, different brain structure, and delays in the development of their prefrontal cortex.
ADHD has a strong genetic factor—about 75% of children with ADHD have at least one parent with ADHD—so it’s highly possible one of you has it too, adding to the complexity. You’re just coping with the knowledge and tools you have. Parenting a child with ADHD often requires more knowledge and tools, and in this era of content overflow, it’s hard to know what works.
Here are some quick tips (note: these are not meant to replace official consultation or treatment with a professional like your pediatrician, psychologist, therapist, etc.):
Join me for my next blog entry: “Helpful Techniques to Parent a Child with ADHD.”
Resources:
https://youtu.be/J1uWaQFQac0 Dr. Stephani Sarkeis, Ph.D
https://youtu.be/gvoP7PsvpiE Dr. David Nowel, Ph.D
Podcast: https://adhdessentials.podbean.com/e/episode-1-with-dr-david-nowell/
Neurobiology of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) by Dr. Sanil Rege
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic
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